I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
