Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
