I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
