he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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