I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
