ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
