I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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