I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
