What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
