I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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