Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
