i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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