thus making me awesome and them whores
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
