At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my being single is dangerous.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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