I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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