The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
