The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
