There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
