Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
