I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
