dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
