You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sext me about skeletons
I want to fling myself into the sun
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
