Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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