I just pynch a tree in the face
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
