Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
