I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
