i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
