Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
