sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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