When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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