It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
