Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
