just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
