I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
