just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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