I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
