I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
