***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
