dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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