a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
