youre lurking in front of me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
