hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
