I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
