Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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