conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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