I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
