Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
