If that was your dad, he is hot
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
