I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
