if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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