My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
