I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
