a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
